Thursday was a good day. I didn't do anything too exciting but worked around the house and relaxed a lot. Friday started out like any other day but by noon I had started to bleed a little. I told myself and Lance that it was nothing to worry about yet. It wasn't much blood and a little is normal. Everytime I went to the bathroom I prayed it would have stopped. That night I went to bed worried but still optimistic that it would be done in the morning but in the morning it was a little more than the day before. I felt like something was wrong and I told Lance we needed to go to the ER because it was Saturday. Lance reassured me it was probably nothing all the way there.
Once we got there I quickly realized how much of an emotional mess I already was. I started hysterically crying when the lady asked me to give her my basic information. Lance took over and then they took us back to a room. They asked me a lot of questions and then tried to find the heartbeat with the little monitor but said they probably wouldn't since I wasn't far enough along.
I still wasn't discouraged at that point. They said that was normal so I still had hope. We waited a long time for the ultrasound tech to get there. Once she arrived they wheeled me back in the bed to a different room. She couldn't see much through the normal ultrasound so she wanted to do a vaginal. She had the monitor turned away so only lance & her could see. I layed there and watched her carefully but her face was emotionlesss. I couldn't read her so I looked at Lance. At one point she mentioned that I'd hear a heartbeat but it would be mine. I nodded and laied there waiting for her to say and here's your babys heartbeat but that never happened. When we finished we asked what the results were and she said the doctor would have to give them to us. Then she left the room. Lance came over to me and said that couldn't be good and started to hug me. I pushed him away and said that she never told us anything bad and I needed to hear it from the doctor. After all it could just be some kind of different pregnancy that I'd read about. There were so many things it could be. I think at that point, I knew the truth but wasn't ready to hear it. I prayed and prayed.
She came back in and then pushed me back to the room in the bed. Then we waited some more. The nurse came in and asked what the results were. We told her we didn't know and she reasurred us in some medical terms that it could also be something else. Something besides the dreaded thing we had in our minds. I sat there and prayed. All I could do was thank God for this child. I was so thankful that I had this child, that I got to be it's mommy, and that I knew early on that I was pregnant and was able to enjoy that time.
Then the doctor walked in. He immediately got a sad look on his face and told us that unfortunately the baby no longer had a heartbeat. He said the baby was measuring 8 weeks instead of the 10 we thought I was and that my body was naturally having a miscarriage. He asked if we had questions and I did but my mind was racing. I asked a few that I could muster up and then he left. We waited for some medicine and then left.
I felt so empty right away. I knew the baby was still inside me but the feeling of emptiness flooded over me. We drove through and got some food, got my drugs, and went home. We ate and sat downstairs and cried. After awhile we went to pick up my medicine and ran into target because we were out of toilet paper. I will never forget walking through target and feeling like the world should stop for this.
We headed home again and sat downstairs some more. I had to be in the bathroom a lot and I wasn't sure what was going to happen. In the middle of the night I had a bunch of big blood clots come out. Lance wasn't sure he could look so I just left them there for awhile in the toilet. I kept getting up and looking at it, wondering if that was my baby. The ER doctor told me I'd know when it was my baby so I finally decided it wasn't and flushed it.
Sunday passed and Monday morning I called the doctor right away. I had to leave a message for the nurse. After I had waited an hour I called back. I was mad. I was feeling sorry for myself. I kept thinking, I just had a miscarriage and I can't get a nurse or a doctor to talk to me. Finally I broke down to the receptionist. I wanted to talk to any nurse or doctor, I didn't care if it was mine. I'd only seen my doctor once and Iwasn' attached. The receptionist said she would page the doctor but it still took another hour until someone called me back. The nurse answered some of my questions on the phone but made me an apt for right away. I jumped in the car and drove across town because that's where my doctor was that day. I got there and was walking into the building when my phone rang. It was the doctors office saying my doctor just left to deliver a baby. All I could think was, Really? Why is everything possible going wrong? I told her okay but I had just arrived and asked her a question. She told me to come on up and a nurse was going to talk to me. I'm so thankful for that nurse. I don't even remember her name but she sat there and listened to me sympathetically. She answered my questions and shared that she had been through this before too. I left there feeling a little better. I at least felt like I knew what to expect from my body and would come back tomorrow for an apt.
A year later and I still cry thinking about that week and then my due date. I wrote all these details not long after it all happened but never posted it. I wanted to write it perfectly because that's the least I could do but since have realised that it's a messy, emotional, true story. Even though it hurts to think about it, I still want to remeber the pregnancy and remember carrying that sweet baby that I never got to hold on this earth. I want to remeber the details because of how much it changed me and helped me see things I had overlooked before.
I'm so thankful God gave me the chance to carry that baby for a short while and when it was time for him to take baby home with him, I'm grateful that he equipped me with the Bible study I was doing at the time, the people that reached out to me, and the people that are always there for me.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21
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